We need to talk!

A few years ago I was at meeting discussing starting talking therapy, what we expected and what they were going to deliver –so to speak- and I remember one of the staff saying, ‘that if we all had more close friends we could talk to we’d all be much better off and may not need therapy.’

Now this might not work for all of us but having been chronically alone as a child I can see the merit in it, especially as I have often found myself saying, ‘I just wanted to talk, I don’t need anything really but for you to be there and for us to talk..’ And I guess the strange part for me is that I have been surrounded by people, I am not alone in the sense of there is no one present but just that I have not felt close to those around me. Besides even when there are people to talk with they might not want to talk. Some days we just want to be and have fun and the thinking that goes into a good conversation can be exactly what we don’t need.

So why is this important?

Well it struck me because I was talking with a support worker from mind and when asked what I was looking for from their service I simply said, ‘I just want to talk to someone about this, I have a few friends but really I didn’t want to overload them with all my stuff.’ Not least it can feel really feel hard to talk about things with some people, they don’t see things the same way, they don’t understand the problems or how you’re feeling about things, or simply they have a lot of things on themselves but you still need to talk.

But some days I need that release of telling someone who understands what is going on. And for me unlike some I guess, it is a release, a concentrating and explaining of the things causing me to be unsettled that helps. It isn’t that they do anything or in fact say a great deal but just that I can talk about me and what is unsettling me.

Sound selfish

Yeah it feels that way. Conversations shouldn’t be one sided, all parties should be participating even if that is listening and me I want to see that people are listening even if that is all they are doing. I want to feel they are content with letting me talk instead of sitting in silence and waiting for me to stop, even if they are being paid to do that…

But it isn’t selfish to need to talk and to do so,

unless you never let the person speak when they want or need to. A conversation is about give and take, it’s about listening and speaking, sometimes you or they will do more of one than the other.

The thing for me is that not talking, not saying what you need is not the same as being silent. It is not the same as never shutting up either. To speak but never say what you need is the same as silence.

In the same way feeling close to someone isn’t about having a person in the room with you although that helps. It is about how you feel, what you realise/ understand, what you perceive and there is no easy way to ensure that you or anyone else is getting what they need. But to talk, to feel close (understood and accepted) by someone, everyone needs that to some degree or other.

The dangers of loneliness and isolation have been known for years, ‘worse than smoking a packet of 10 cigarettes a day’ but it is not a simple problem to solve. For some the risk of speaking is to great and others the lack of people in their lives, for many it is simply that they have not got deep friendships or that they have lost those that they had.

For me if you find an opportunity to speak, even if it is a greeting or a simple thank you, take it because in doing so you share something with the others person. It may be fleeting, it may not be so nice either but it maybe something you need but didn’t know it.

This is not to say that you should always want to talk but just that it can be hard to talk to someone new, it can be hard to meet people. In fact so many people complain that they find it difficult to meet people it's ridiculous. What I'm saying is if you feel up to it or even  are curious or just ambivalent then take the opportunity and see what happens. It doesn't have to be the big in depth conversation in fact invariably the conversations are so short you'd be surprised but it is a start. It is something that could be built on.

In the lowest parts of my life it was the simple kindness of others that helped me feel better, helped me get through tomorrow and it is the kindness of all that we all need. Yes people get frustrated, angry, shout, ignore people and really awful to people, but they can also be kind, generous and suffering just like you.

You will only know if you start by saying hello and seeing where it goes. They may become exactly what you need right then, even if that is just a simple thank you or have a good day. They might in time become the next friend you can confide in.