Small things can really count

There was a time when life was so overwhelming in its misery that it felt impossible to change any of it. It was what it was, and that was all that it was. I couldn’t make head nor tail of why it should feel so bad nor had any idea of how to make it better and believe me I really wanted it to be better, but it isn’t that simple. Something I fear the world is only just waking up to and although I am glad for those who have, I worry that an awful lot of people are going to really suffer before enough people have grasped a hold of this nettle and done something about it.

But I was never the patient sort and waiting for someone else to solve my problems is not really me I only really lacked ideas of how to help myself. 

The sad fact is that at that time there weren’t really many people giving out ideas that didn’t come with instructions of you must do this. I wasn’t up for that and as I may have mentioned they didn’t always work. In fact, for a very long time, pretty much nothing did work. It is strange that it was the honesty and sympathy of a psychiatrist who told me he guessed at what drugs might work that is burned into my memory as a turning point. Because it was plain in the way he acted that he wished he could do something more immediate.

I found something that helped me continue and it wasn’t a big thing; a new relationship, the passing of a degree, a new job. It was a string of little things. I mean when I think about it, I did a lot of big things, passed my degree, traveled and studied in Europe, traveled around Australia, got a nice job, but these things they just weren’t what I needed and they really weren’t what kept me going.

It was the simple small pleasures. Every time I felt I had had enough something would stay my hand, something that gave some relief.

 It took a long time before I could even think of these things as pleasure, satisfaction, or kindness, but really that’s what they were. It was just when under such a heavy load of misery and pain they didn’t feel the same as they do when you are on even keel.

The problem, of course, is that when it is such small acts and small rewards it is difficult to see them and to associate them with improving mood; especially when you still have to deal with all the other stuff that isn’t so nice.

These days I try and find these small things but it wasn’t always so easy. I have a little application on my phone called momentum and I have used it for years as it reminds me with a notification to sit and think through my day and find the little triumphs, little kindness, little things that make me smile, the poignant things I want to remember. And I started it, not because I thought it would work, not because I felt it was a good really, but simply because why not give it a try.

It’s not had earth shattering rewards but these days I don’t need the prompt and the little things I had to write down to remember a few years ago there already there, sitting just below the surface ready for me to find when I am not feeling so great.

Does it help?

Oh yes, but it took a long time to notice it and even longer for me to realise that I haven’t really been needing to note them down. I would say I still want to remember more pleasure, achievement, kindness and fun in my life but the habit is helping.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the big things are great when you achieve them but for day to day keep me going and staying happy, look for little things. The person who was sorry they jostled you, the funny on facebook that made you smile, the person who understood your frustration, the getting the housework done, cooking a meal, getting dressed up to go out etc. They can make a real difference and it doesn’t have to take a lot of time either. The interesting thing is that they are there in everyone’s lives you just have to find them.

Don’t believe me…!?

Well I guess when you’re in bed crying your eyes out, or immobile with fear, or off you head on some scheme or other it can feel like nothing good is happening, nothing you should be doing.

Well consider these things

• Is it not kind to give yourself time to cry when life has been so unkind to you.
• Is it not kindness to take rest when you are tired
• Is it not kind to deal with such heavy misery by reflection
• Is it not an achievement when you are so bad to do the washing up or eat well even if that is a ready meal
• Is it not kind to find time for you to relax and recoup before then next challenge
• Is it not an achievement to go out if that is what scares you so, or to say no to someone when you are not up for something.

Your life is full of things that challenge you, where people or yourself are kind to you. Even if you can’t find something funny to laugh at there are other things to remember.

If nothing else consider what you have learned about yourself today and if you say that all I am is miserable, do not feel disheartened so many, many people are. Just ask yourself why, because for me knowing why helped me see that actually a lot of the misery I felt was quite understandable.

If people have hurt you, abused you, ignored you, dismissed you, shown no love for you or bullied you, should you not feel unhappy? Even if it was many years ago, should it not make you feel unhappy?

Shouldn’t you be angry at them for doing it? How you feel about life is not simply about what is happening right now, but a culmination of what has happened and whether it has been dealt with, understood and let go of so you can continue with your life in happiness. I see no shame in feeling and although it is good to learn from them it doesn’t always have to be right now either.

 To give yourself time to heal is normal and natural and a huge achievement!