Like many people there have been times when I have felt that the world is not taking me seriously and at worst it can feel like they are laughing at me for my efforts but there is still a part of me that asks myself “am I taking myself seriously?” because in so many ways it doesn't help to just say I'm okay, people don't believe it. To be sure of yourself is one think but it can often look, dismissive of yours problems and it can really back fire and create the illusion that you are in denial of them.
When I first started dealing with my inability to be happy I found that people were somewhat reluctant to believe me when I said that I was okay… and really why should they I wasn’t. The funny thing is that in the beginning when I was being told what to do and doing it, everything was fine but then once I had gotten to grips with the basics of living and started to communicate with people about my wishes, things got a whole lot more difficult. No one seemed to be listening to me and to be honest it is frustrating to be trying to get your life sorted out when pretty much everyone else is trying to tell you how to do that and no one will let you make your own choices.
Okay so there are times when that is appropriate, but still there are so many others when it isn’t. I think the hardest part for me was realising that others were making really awful decisions and no one seemed to question them but when I started to talk there were questions and not only that people had a really bad tendency to say
“You know what you need to do is…”
I could have killed so many of them for their complete lack of understanding. Really if you want to offer me advice don’t tell me I need to do it, it’s really annoying and secondly patronising and condescending. For a start whatever it is that you are suggesting at best helps you and quite a few others and at worst only helps you. It may not help me at all. If it is my choice offer me a choice, some other suggestions or at least the idea that it’s up to me would soften the demand to do as I’m told because you believe it works.
It has to be said that I have in fact found that many of the suggestions have really not worked for me and although I have tried pretty much everything people have suggested and probably still would I find the lack of belief in me disturbing and one of the biggest reasons to distrust others and it’s a real killer for my self-esteem. In one sentence you have said ‘do as you’re told you silly person. I know best’. I know that isn’t really what people meant but quite frankly I wish they would just make suggestions in the “why don’t you try this, it’s worked for me” or “I find this helps me it might you” there are so many ways to say why don’t you try this without telling me I need to do.
That aside when I’ve been talking to people in the past and they don’t seem to be listening I have always wondered why. Well some people are never going to listen, some feel it isn’t going to matter because they can’t do anything (oh how wrong they were), some just don’t know what to say and some believe that I can’t possibly know myself because I am the one who is ill and it goes with the territory.
Okay so there are times when that is appropriate, but still there are so many others when it isn’t. I think the hardest part for me was realising that others were making really awful decisions and no one seemed to question them but when I started to talk there were questions and not only that people had a really bad tendency to say
“You know what you need to do is…”
I could have killed so many of them for their complete lack of understanding. Really if you want to offer me advice don’t tell me I need to do it, it’s really annoying and secondly patronising and condescending. For a start whatever it is that you are suggesting at best helps you and quite a few others and at worst only helps you. It may not help me at all. If it is my choice offer me a choice, some other suggestions or at least the idea that it’s up to me would soften the demand to do as I’m told because you believe it works.
It has to be said that I have in fact found that many of the suggestions have really not worked for me and although I have tried pretty much everything people have suggested and probably still would I find the lack of belief in me disturbing and one of the biggest reasons to distrust others and it’s a real killer for my self-esteem. In one sentence you have said ‘do as you’re told you silly person. I know best’. I know that isn’t really what people meant but quite frankly I wish they would just make suggestions in the “why don’t you try this, it’s worked for me” or “I find this helps me it might you” there are so many ways to say why don’t you try this without telling me I need to do.
That aside when I’ve been talking to people in the past and they don’t seem to be listening I have always wondered why. Well some people are never going to listen, some feel it isn’t going to matter because they can’t do anything (oh how wrong they were), some just don’t know what to say and some believe that I can’t possibly know myself because I am the one who is ill and it goes with the territory.
In most instances if you have to talk about your problems I would say take it seriously, take them seriously, believe that they will listen and approach the subject with levity and thoroughness.
If they appear to be not listening ask them if they understand what you’re talking about. Find out if they really aren’t listening and if they aren’t ask them why. Take this seriously you deserve to be listened to and if they have a reason to not do, that you feel is reasonable then accept it, if not complain to them. This world wants people to get well and be involved but without help so many people are not going to be able do that. If that is you then don’t give up on people, so many of them want to help and want to understand but they may not know how.
The reality for me is that if you are willing to talk about what works and what doesn’t, people will listen. It doesn’t mean they can do what you need but at least you can start to find out what can be done. Like me, I hate open plan offices, because I get really anxious about my conversations being listened to and people walking up behind me. They are a night mare particularly as people do listen into conversations, which make it all the worse. The interesting part is that in my volunteering I have spoken about this and I was moved out of the high traffic area and had access to an interview room for when things get really bad.
Because what people really want is to know that you know you that you know what you need and when to do it. They want to feel that you have assessed the situation and will continue to do that for your benefit and that you will talk to them if problems arise. And in reality having started doing this I have spoken a lot less about my illness that I did before. People just want to feel confident that you know your own limits and will not push yourself past them. I’ve found that people are really quite tolerant and understand that it’s not always plain sailing but they really are just worried about how it will work and then need to feel confident that you will approach them if you need to or at the very least get yourself out of things that are not good for you.
The reality for me is that if you are willing to talk about what works and what doesn’t, people will listen. It doesn’t mean they can do what you need but at least you can start to find out what can be done. Like me, I hate open plan offices, because I get really anxious about my conversations being listened to and people walking up behind me. They are a night mare particularly as people do listen into conversations, which make it all the worse. The interesting part is that in my volunteering I have spoken about this and I was moved out of the high traffic area and had access to an interview room for when things get really bad.
Because what people really want is to know that you know you that you know what you need and when to do it. They want to feel that you have assessed the situation and will continue to do that for your benefit and that you will talk to them if problems arise. And in reality having started doing this I have spoken a lot less about my illness that I did before. People just want to feel confident that you know your own limits and will not push yourself past them. I’ve found that people are really quite tolerant and understand that it’s not always plain sailing but they really are just worried about how it will work and then need to feel confident that you will approach them if you need to or at the very least get yourself out of things that are not good for you.
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