The last month has been really hard for me and although I feel sure that it will end, there is a part of me that worries that it I won’t. I feel it is only natural when life hasn’t been that easy to worry that even the natural ups and downs will elongate into far more unnatural ones. It is at times like these that I spend a lot of time trying work out what it is that I need. Looking around at everyone else it can feel to me that everyone knows what they need and they just go out and get it but I wonder now how much of the time that is true.
In the past I have asked people what they need and quite frankly their responses have ranged from I’m fine, to I haven’t got a clue. Well some of them have not been fine but when faced with the question myself I have felt there are several reasons why people might say the things they do. Some people will really be okay but many feel they shouldn’t ask or they know they need help but have no idea what they need.
And I squirm at the whole idea of writing this because it feels so very wrong to suggest that people really don’t have a clear idea of what they are feeling or why, but there it is. It is also part of the reason I feel people don’t seek help for mental health issues, since if they are not in touch with what they are feeling, how can they assess if things are bad.
In the past I have asked people what they need and quite frankly their responses have ranged from I’m fine, to I haven’t got a clue. Well some of them have not been fine but when faced with the question myself I have felt there are several reasons why people might say the things they do. Some people will really be okay but many feel they shouldn’t ask or they know they need help but have no idea what they need.
And I squirm at the whole idea of writing this because it feels so very wrong to suggest that people really don’t have a clear idea of what they are feeling or why, but there it is. It is also part of the reason I feel people don’t seek help for mental health issues, since if they are not in touch with what they are feeling, how can they assess if things are bad.
So much of the time we are asked to put aside how we feel, but I know myself, that some of us have a tendency to just push our feelings away rather than being in touch with them, but it can also leave us devoid of understanding of them, and for me this has really been a problem.
I guess the surprise for me is that other people do this, that they also are not really that in touch with what they are feeling. The fact is that for some of us this really doesn’t matter so much if they have what I call good habits. If they would naturally be sympathetic/ kind to themselves, if they actively do things that make them happy, feel worthwhile, play to their natural strengths, take control of what they want and go and get it things that I feel we learn as we live.
I guess the surprise for me is that other people do this, that they also are not really that in touch with what they are feeling. The fact is that for some of us this really doesn’t matter so much if they have what I call good habits. If they would naturally be sympathetic/ kind to themselves, if they actively do things that make them happy, feel worthwhile, play to their natural strengths, take control of what they want and go and get it things that I feel we learn as we live.
The interesting thing for me is that once you start asking people what they do when they are stressed you get the just cope thing coming back at you. When it comes to grief they have this it takes time thing. In so many ways it seems that we all assume that people are going to be fine, that they will get through and they pay absolutely no attention to what they are doing to achieve the feelings of well-being that they have. In fact, it seems that people only start paying attention to them when they have problems.
Should I be surprised, maybe not, however it does beg the question of how they know what they need when they have problems or even if they have problems. I struggle all the time to work out what I need and mostly I know what I don’t need, so when it comes to getting treatment I find it hard and so do a lot of other people. The NHS seems to think that they can make the right choices for us but really how often are you completely honest about how you feel with a complete stranger on the first meeting, yet we are expected to do that when we are assessed for therapy. I find it ridiculous.
It’s not just the NHS though, it is expected that people will deal with their emotions yet I find it amazing that so many people manage it given how little they understand about them. Maybe I’m wrong and people instinctively deal with their feelings in a way that I don’t and they get it right without the need for all the soul searching and such that I do but I’m kind of curious.
Do we really emulate our parents so much that we don’t need to talk about our feelings as children? Do we really pick up their habits because it doesn’t look like it to me.
The thing is when I listen to people who talk about their feelings I can hear the pain, the jealousy, the anger in how they say things and what they talk about most. How they portray events if you like and in so many ways I just see them doing what their parents did or at least what they felt their parents did, but in so many ways I feel this really isn’t good enough. I look at my life and what I saw was not what my parents felt or the kids around me either and since I never really talked about how I felt I was left with a very jaundiced view of their lives and feelings. And in this void I feel my needs we ignored, not because people didn’t care but simply because they had no idea that I had any needs. They thought, wrongly, that they have fulfilled what I needed and I was left alone with huge amounts of loneliness and misery. I hate to think that anyone else has been left like that and yet I know so many have.
I find it very hard to let go of my judgmental self and really understand what it is I am looking for let alone go out and find it. For the most part I tend to ask myself what am I scared of? What am I really scared of? I look for those little tickling problems at the back of my mind that I feel aren’t worth mentioning, because quite frankly they are usually the ones causing the problems. Often there are things that can be done and really even knowing that someone else has the same problems can help me feel less alone and less helpless as well as help in finding solutions.
Should I be surprised, maybe not, however it does beg the question of how they know what they need when they have problems or even if they have problems. I struggle all the time to work out what I need and mostly I know what I don’t need, so when it comes to getting treatment I find it hard and so do a lot of other people. The NHS seems to think that they can make the right choices for us but really how often are you completely honest about how you feel with a complete stranger on the first meeting, yet we are expected to do that when we are assessed for therapy. I find it ridiculous.
It’s not just the NHS though, it is expected that people will deal with their emotions yet I find it amazing that so many people manage it given how little they understand about them. Maybe I’m wrong and people instinctively deal with their feelings in a way that I don’t and they get it right without the need for all the soul searching and such that I do but I’m kind of curious.
Do we really emulate our parents so much that we don’t need to talk about our feelings as children? Do we really pick up their habits because it doesn’t look like it to me.
The thing is when I listen to people who talk about their feelings I can hear the pain, the jealousy, the anger in how they say things and what they talk about most. How they portray events if you like and in so many ways I just see them doing what their parents did or at least what they felt their parents did, but in so many ways I feel this really isn’t good enough. I look at my life and what I saw was not what my parents felt or the kids around me either and since I never really talked about how I felt I was left with a very jaundiced view of their lives and feelings. And in this void I feel my needs we ignored, not because people didn’t care but simply because they had no idea that I had any needs. They thought, wrongly, that they have fulfilled what I needed and I was left alone with huge amounts of loneliness and misery. I hate to think that anyone else has been left like that and yet I know so many have.
But there is still this big question about how do I know what I need?
Most of the time I have no idea and I flounder around trying to find what works and remember it for the next time and it doesn’t really feel like it’s the best way to learn how to cope and yet it is exactly what everyone else is doing. It feels so inefficient and yet what else is there? I guess I find it hard to identify honestly what it is I feel I need and even harder to except that sometimes it will not be forthcoming.I find it very hard to let go of my judgmental self and really understand what it is I am looking for let alone go out and find it. For the most part I tend to ask myself what am I scared of? What am I really scared of? I look for those little tickling problems at the back of my mind that I feel aren’t worth mentioning, because quite frankly they are usually the ones causing the problems. Often there are things that can be done and really even knowing that someone else has the same problems can help me feel less alone and less helpless as well as help in finding solutions.
I ask myself about why I don’t want to do things and accept that sometimes it is just about it not being fun and that really I want to do something I enjoy or to inject more things that I like into my time. Then there is the problem or running myself into the ground. If I have been pushing myself hard because the harder I have worked the more recognition I would like for that and also for a break to. I don’t need others to necessarily say how well I have done but to acknowledge it myself is a really good thing and something that we all need but are not always so good at.
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