It has bothered me for quite a while that although I have so many ideas about what to put into this blog I find it extremely difficult to actually write them. I am troubled, plagued by fears about how people will respond and not just to the blog but to me at any time. I can’t stand the idea of being different, it quite panics me and although I have on occasion pointed out to people that I was bullied as a child, I have found peoples responses less than helpful.
Apparently this happens to a lot of children and they’re just fine!
Well, all I can say is this, I am not fine and though I am a very sensitive person the panic that ensues when I find someone who can’t accept my point of view and agree to disagree can leave me terrified. I find that people just want everyone they know to agree with them or at least be somewhat similar and when faced with someone who sees the world a bit too differently from them they attack.
Don’t like my view point? I’m not surprised and realistically you will probably be already telling yourself I need to get real and people aren’t like that.
Well I would disagree! People are like that and unfortunately some are far more like that others. Whilst a lot of people are quite tolerant to differences of opinion far too many people find it really difficult and will lash out, storm out of meetings, shout or just ignore your point of view, and carry on as if you hadn’t spoken. And although I don’t see that everyone has to agree or even be close, I find that feeling of an impending panic attack is limiting my desire to be around people.
Don’t feel a little name calling, or ignoring someone could be a problem…well I do hope you take it more seriously because I can tell you it was and is horrific. Thirty years on I am still trying to deal with the nightmares about being tortured to death over and over again, the violence and loneliness that comes from feeling an outcast and feeling no one cares. The helplessness that comes with feeling that they can do whatever they feel like because no one will stop them. The complete and utter belief that everyone on earth is the same and I can never escape the reality of being me. I was born that way and that’s just it, no one ever changes.
To feel you are not loved, not wanted and they can do whatever they want…please consider the powerlessness, abstract loneliness and helplessness of the misery that will create.
Without a concept of death I wanted to be gone for good age 6. I stopped doing anything, asking for anything, I stopped crying or reacting to things. To say I didn’t want to live is not quite right, I just saw no point, I could not change anything if I tried and everything was painful
No one cared about me…or they would have done something about it, Right?
Wrong, people cared. Years ago I asked my mum about this time, about what was going on and I found out quite to my surprise that they had indeed noticed my lack of enthusiasm for life and she had asked a teacher about it. She was worried! The advice given was, she’ll get over it, she’ll come out of it on her own. I also found out that my there were others in my school who also had a very marked behaviour change in those first few years at school.
That so many people have suffered at the hands of bullies and been fine has marred my life, since no one has sympathy for the one who couldn’t cope!
All I ever needed was someone one to say they weren’t right, I needed help to understand that bullies are bullies. They don’t hurt because of a reason but because of an excuse. Weird clothes, lack of progress in school, sexual preference, they are excuses no one has to be nasty or hurtful because of these things. They just don’t like you, are scared of you, threatened by you… etc and in the case of young children they see no reason why they can’t say or do as they please with the person they don’t like. They need to be taught that this isn’t acceptable and quite frankly the attitude of my teacher who did nothing and my parents who thought I could deal with it astound me.
I can see why they did what they did but I felt I deserved the bad treatment. I felt there was no sympathy for my pain and I felt it was something I was expected to endure as best I could. I felt no one cared if I was in pain so all I would do by speaking up was heap a whole load more pain on myself so I didn’t. The knock on effects of feeling as I did mean I never considered what I wanted to do, what I liked to eat, what I would enjoy doing, they were all irrelevant and so I did what I was asked and although at times I enjoyed some of it there was so much that I just didn’t. There was so much in fact that I hated with a vengeance.
For 8 years I put with a daily onslaught and to be honest as I lived in a small village it was my entire world, it was all I knew. There was no escape. For gods sake don’t make the same mistakes because for my mind it wasn’t so much what happened as what didn’t happen.
Cruel name calling is only one side of the equation, sympathy and comfort are another. I needed help to understand how I was feeling, I needed help to understand that the kids were cruel, that often I hadn’t done anything, that even if I had done things they weren’t unsurmountable. I was still loveable, I still deserved comfort that they heard my pain and were sorry for it.
I felt there was nothing to be done with me and whatever they wanted to do I had to accept because I was wrong/bed and that was all there was to it. I couldn’t change it and no one was ever going to care so suck it up love and get on with it.
Sound Bleak?
Yes it was but I would be willing to bet that many people feel I am over dramatizing it. That I am angry and lashing out. Maybe you’re right but you didn’t live through it and I did. You see blame but all I see is a catalogue of mistakes that couldn’t be avoided, you cannot blame people for a lack of knowledge that is only just being looked at 30 years on. The number of places that are now reporting findings on the effects of bullying is growing but it wasn’t around when I was young.
Can I blame people for what they didn’t know just because it didn’t work out for me. I can’t which is a damn shame as far as I’m concerned because I would love to feel someone else was to blame but that’s not how I see it.
Like I say for me it was as much about not feeling loved, feeling I should give comfort to myself for when I made mistakes for when I hurt people. I didn’t understand that there isn’t always a reason. To love is something that has no reason, it cannot be bought, people don’t deserve it you just do or not. We live with each other because we all try to not hurt each other and fail and that we forgive each other for that. We all want what we want and this conflicts with what everyone else wants but that’s okay because there will be people like you out there. We all suffer and to find what makes you happy as best you can while trying to not to cause problems for others. And although some people will just cause pain and will never understand that they have, all you can do is grab as much of what you want; find the things that you need while moving away from those that cause you problems. So leaving behind the oppressors, the bullies, the bad relationships is okay. They have to find what they need and so do you. To feel that you have as much right to a good life as everyone else.
It might seem obvious to you but I really didn’t feel I did have as much right as everyone else to a good life, safe, secure, loved, well fed, etc.
And when people start saying that bullying in teen age years is worse than the very young I am astounded. My outlook on life was materially damaged because of the problems and I am still dealing with it. I feel very much that teenagers have at least had time to feel loved before the battle begins. I most certainly did not, so really worse? At the very least I would say it was on a par.
Apparently this happens to a lot of children and they’re just fine!
Well, all I can say is this, I am not fine and though I am a very sensitive person the panic that ensues when I find someone who can’t accept my point of view and agree to disagree can leave me terrified. I find that people just want everyone they know to agree with them or at least be somewhat similar and when faced with someone who sees the world a bit too differently from them they attack.
Don’t like my view point? I’m not surprised and realistically you will probably be already telling yourself I need to get real and people aren’t like that.
Well I would disagree! People are like that and unfortunately some are far more like that others. Whilst a lot of people are quite tolerant to differences of opinion far too many people find it really difficult and will lash out, storm out of meetings, shout or just ignore your point of view, and carry on as if you hadn’t spoken. And although I don’t see that everyone has to agree or even be close, I find that feeling of an impending panic attack is limiting my desire to be around people.
Don’t feel a little name calling, or ignoring someone could be a problem…well I do hope you take it more seriously because I can tell you it was and is horrific. Thirty years on I am still trying to deal with the nightmares about being tortured to death over and over again, the violence and loneliness that comes from feeling an outcast and feeling no one cares. The helplessness that comes with feeling that they can do whatever they feel like because no one will stop them. The complete and utter belief that everyone on earth is the same and I can never escape the reality of being me. I was born that way and that’s just it, no one ever changes.
To feel you are not loved, not wanted and they can do whatever they want…please consider the powerlessness, abstract loneliness and helplessness of the misery that will create.
Without a concept of death I wanted to be gone for good age 6. I stopped doing anything, asking for anything, I stopped crying or reacting to things. To say I didn’t want to live is not quite right, I just saw no point, I could not change anything if I tried and everything was painful
No one cared about me…or they would have done something about it, Right?
Wrong, people cared. Years ago I asked my mum about this time, about what was going on and I found out quite to my surprise that they had indeed noticed my lack of enthusiasm for life and she had asked a teacher about it. She was worried! The advice given was, she’ll get over it, she’ll come out of it on her own. I also found out that my there were others in my school who also had a very marked behaviour change in those first few years at school.
That so many people have suffered at the hands of bullies and been fine has marred my life, since no one has sympathy for the one who couldn’t cope!
All I ever needed was someone one to say they weren’t right, I needed help to understand that bullies are bullies. They don’t hurt because of a reason but because of an excuse. Weird clothes, lack of progress in school, sexual preference, they are excuses no one has to be nasty or hurtful because of these things. They just don’t like you, are scared of you, threatened by you… etc and in the case of young children they see no reason why they can’t say or do as they please with the person they don’t like. They need to be taught that this isn’t acceptable and quite frankly the attitude of my teacher who did nothing and my parents who thought I could deal with it astound me.
I can see why they did what they did but I felt I deserved the bad treatment. I felt there was no sympathy for my pain and I felt it was something I was expected to endure as best I could. I felt no one cared if I was in pain so all I would do by speaking up was heap a whole load more pain on myself so I didn’t. The knock on effects of feeling as I did mean I never considered what I wanted to do, what I liked to eat, what I would enjoy doing, they were all irrelevant and so I did what I was asked and although at times I enjoyed some of it there was so much that I just didn’t. There was so much in fact that I hated with a vengeance.
For 8 years I put with a daily onslaught and to be honest as I lived in a small village it was my entire world, it was all I knew. There was no escape. For gods sake don’t make the same mistakes because for my mind it wasn’t so much what happened as what didn’t happen.
Cruel name calling is only one side of the equation, sympathy and comfort are another. I needed help to understand how I was feeling, I needed help to understand that the kids were cruel, that often I hadn’t done anything, that even if I had done things they weren’t unsurmountable. I was still loveable, I still deserved comfort that they heard my pain and were sorry for it.
I felt there was nothing to be done with me and whatever they wanted to do I had to accept because I was wrong/bed and that was all there was to it. I couldn’t change it and no one was ever going to care so suck it up love and get on with it.
Sound Bleak?
Yes it was but I would be willing to bet that many people feel I am over dramatizing it. That I am angry and lashing out. Maybe you’re right but you didn’t live through it and I did. You see blame but all I see is a catalogue of mistakes that couldn’t be avoided, you cannot blame people for a lack of knowledge that is only just being looked at 30 years on. The number of places that are now reporting findings on the effects of bullying is growing but it wasn’t around when I was young.
Can I blame people for what they didn’t know just because it didn’t work out for me. I can’t which is a damn shame as far as I’m concerned because I would love to feel someone else was to blame but that’s not how I see it.
Like I say for me it was as much about not feeling loved, feeling I should give comfort to myself for when I made mistakes for when I hurt people. I didn’t understand that there isn’t always a reason. To love is something that has no reason, it cannot be bought, people don’t deserve it you just do or not. We live with each other because we all try to not hurt each other and fail and that we forgive each other for that. We all want what we want and this conflicts with what everyone else wants but that’s okay because there will be people like you out there. We all suffer and to find what makes you happy as best you can while trying to not to cause problems for others. And although some people will just cause pain and will never understand that they have, all you can do is grab as much of what you want; find the things that you need while moving away from those that cause you problems. So leaving behind the oppressors, the bullies, the bad relationships is okay. They have to find what they need and so do you. To feel that you have as much right to a good life as everyone else.
It might seem obvious to you but I really didn’t feel I did have as much right as everyone else to a good life, safe, secure, loved, well fed, etc.
And when people start saying that bullying in teen age years is worse than the very young I am astounded. My outlook on life was materially damaged because of the problems and I am still dealing with it. I feel very much that teenagers have at least had time to feel loved before the battle begins. I most certainly did not, so really worse? At the very least I would say it was on a par.
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