A while ago I was called ignorant of mental health concerns, ignorant of peoples feelings and implied as being self centred and self obsessed regarding hospitalisation of someone in severe mental distress. With 25 years of mental health issues under my belt I have not for many years felt ignorant of the plight of those suffering. As I have not ever been hospitalized I can only guess at how isolating and despairing it can be to be there however having gone and read a blog post I was directed to about how people felt about the very sentence that I used, I felt very much aggrieved at the their interpretation of my words. They lambasted people for using the word ‘but’ and said that people who did were indifferent of their pain, and focussed only on bringing the conversation back to themselves.
I have to say that nothing was further from my mind and I had intended to offer support. Obviously this back fired and for that I am very sorry however my anger and disappointment at the way they lambasted me and got their friends to join in reminds me of all the reasons I am afraid of people. It is this fear of
Getting you head bitten off by people who have gotten completely the wrong impression when you are trying to help
That both took me away, and has brought me back to blogging, and brought a new found sympathy for those in the caring sector. Your efforts may not always be appreciated and quite frankly they very often aren’t, but you try and I for one am so glad that you do and that so many of you continue to do so.
The people I am talking about remain nameless but as they pointed out my ignorance they also talked about re-education, mine and the rest of the world to be precise. They felt it their duty for all who come after them to tell people that this was inappropriate.
I was deeply offended particularly as the sentence I uttered brings me great comfort in times of trouble. What was the sentence?
’I am sorry to hear that but they probably had a lot going on, hang on in there’
Okay so I this probably doesn’t seem much like support but hey in a 140 characters I felt it said everything it needed to and I certainly didn’t mean it to sound like I was defending poor care or just about me, which they felt it did. That they forgot about it as soon as it was sent was good for them. I however did not.
What’s my point?
Well simply this that when people complain about the fact that the world isn’t listening to them and their pain maybe they should put a little effort into considering how they sound to others.
It seems amongst these friends this type of sentence, one with a but in it, is seen as a stop talking and listen to me and only ever stop talking and listen to me, but really is this something that is universally understood as a Me, Me, Me start to a sentence?
I have taken note of when I feel that people are doing the same thing to me and really if I am feeling not quite so good, confident or bad about needing help, then pretty much anything someone says can be seen as the same.
So really if people want to believe that the person talking is only interested in themselves and what they know or how much better they are then it really isn’t going to matter what the person says they will always hear Me, Me, Me and it saddens me.
It saddens me because so many of the people I meet who need help or those that are trying to give it feel not listened to and yet do not seem to be hearing what the other person is saying either, and really I think it is this ignorance of how others feel and that reserve to not ask or skip over them that brings this kind of aggression out in people.
To jump down someones throat is born of frustration, a frustration that feels unending and the only answer is to lash out to release it as nothing they can do will change anything.
But the answer is not to lash out, the answer is to keep trying to understand, and to explain because not everything is as you expect.
Even the commonly used diversions by self centred people to get back to them may not be that coming from someone else and as I was about to offer support to these people for their suffering I can safely say you missed an opportunity to gain support because after their outburst I am now not at all interested.
To really hear what someone means is to question your gut instinct, to ask what was meant. Sure if they really are only interested in themselves then they will keep doing it but I like to bare in mind that when people feel that they cannot change things and they have apologised then they may well move on because they feel there is nothing else they can do and they are expecting that you will do the same.
What they are not expecting is that you might want to explore in a conversation how you feel about the situation and jumping down their throat accusing them of being only interested in themselves will push away people who may well wish to support you. The problem is that at that point in time they may not be able to do so and reality is that although they may not know your pain, they are not ignorant of pain since it is in everyone’s lives.
And really if you feel it’s okay because you have a mental health condition to dictate to the rest of the world how they should use words such as BUT then maybe it’s time for all to reconsider how they use language in relating to others.
I have to say that nothing was further from my mind and I had intended to offer support. Obviously this back fired and for that I am very sorry however my anger and disappointment at the way they lambasted me and got their friends to join in reminds me of all the reasons I am afraid of people. It is this fear of
Getting you head bitten off by people who have gotten completely the wrong impression when you are trying to help
That both took me away, and has brought me back to blogging, and brought a new found sympathy for those in the caring sector. Your efforts may not always be appreciated and quite frankly they very often aren’t, but you try and I for one am so glad that you do and that so many of you continue to do so.
The people I am talking about remain nameless but as they pointed out my ignorance they also talked about re-education, mine and the rest of the world to be precise. They felt it their duty for all who come after them to tell people that this was inappropriate.
I was deeply offended particularly as the sentence I uttered brings me great comfort in times of trouble. What was the sentence?
’I am sorry to hear that but they probably had a lot going on, hang on in there’
Okay so I this probably doesn’t seem much like support but hey in a 140 characters I felt it said everything it needed to and I certainly didn’t mean it to sound like I was defending poor care or just about me, which they felt it did. That they forgot about it as soon as it was sent was good for them. I however did not.
What’s my point?
Well simply this that when people complain about the fact that the world isn’t listening to them and their pain maybe they should put a little effort into considering how they sound to others.
It seems amongst these friends this type of sentence, one with a but in it, is seen as a stop talking and listen to me and only ever stop talking and listen to me, but really is this something that is universally understood as a Me, Me, Me start to a sentence?
I have taken note of when I feel that people are doing the same thing to me and really if I am feeling not quite so good, confident or bad about needing help, then pretty much anything someone says can be seen as the same.
So really if people want to believe that the person talking is only interested in themselves and what they know or how much better they are then it really isn’t going to matter what the person says they will always hear Me, Me, Me and it saddens me.
It saddens me because so many of the people I meet who need help or those that are trying to give it feel not listened to and yet do not seem to be hearing what the other person is saying either, and really I think it is this ignorance of how others feel and that reserve to not ask or skip over them that brings this kind of aggression out in people.
To jump down someones throat is born of frustration, a frustration that feels unending and the only answer is to lash out to release it as nothing they can do will change anything.
But the answer is not to lash out, the answer is to keep trying to understand, and to explain because not everything is as you expect.
Even the commonly used diversions by self centred people to get back to them may not be that coming from someone else and as I was about to offer support to these people for their suffering I can safely say you missed an opportunity to gain support because after their outburst I am now not at all interested.
To really hear what someone means is to question your gut instinct, to ask what was meant. Sure if they really are only interested in themselves then they will keep doing it but I like to bare in mind that when people feel that they cannot change things and they have apologised then they may well move on because they feel there is nothing else they can do and they are expecting that you will do the same.
What they are not expecting is that you might want to explore in a conversation how you feel about the situation and jumping down their throat accusing them of being only interested in themselves will push away people who may well wish to support you. The problem is that at that point in time they may not be able to do so and reality is that although they may not know your pain, they are not ignorant of pain since it is in everyone’s lives.
And really if you feel it’s okay because you have a mental health condition to dictate to the rest of the world how they should use words such as BUT then maybe it’s time for all to reconsider how they use language in relating to others.
No comments:
Post a Comment