Okay so I’ve spent a long time trying to find my own answers to my problems and quite apart from all the help the NHS has given me there has been quite a lot of reading self help books. I am frequently amazed at the amount of people writing stuff but also I find it even more difficult to find written content that really feels like it’s what I need.
I don’t know about you but I find so much that has promise and then goes off at a tangent from where I am. Sometimes a little more in depth help with things like feeling guilty would be helpful. It’s not like I haven’t had success modulating my moods but I struggle with some things more than others and though some of it is relevant often the bits I want to explore further just aren’t there. I mean really guilty it’s not self evident and just saying there’s no need not helpful.
So Guilt and feeling guilty.
I do this a lot, in fact I would say it is a huge problem. Getting less so but still I find many books and places skip over the idea of guilt going away. If there’s no reason for you to feel guilty then just ignore it and it’ll go away.
Oh God how often have I heard just forget about it, let it go, it’s no good. It drives me nuts. The reality for me is that I need a reason. Tell me why, why should I not feel guilty for screwing up. I know it’s an emotion so logic really isn’t so helpful but still the voices that tell me I am guilty are strong; far stronger than my belief that I don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
I don’t know about you but I find so much that has promise and then goes off at a tangent from where I am. Sometimes a little more in depth help with things like feeling guilty would be helpful. It’s not like I haven’t had success modulating my moods but I struggle with some things more than others and though some of it is relevant often the bits I want to explore further just aren’t there. I mean really guilty it’s not self evident and just saying there’s no need not helpful.
So Guilt and feeling guilty.
I do this a lot, in fact I would say it is a huge problem. Getting less so but still I find many books and places skip over the idea of guilt going away. If there’s no reason for you to feel guilty then just ignore it and it’ll go away.
Oh God how often have I heard just forget about it, let it go, it’s no good. It drives me nuts. The reality for me is that I need a reason. Tell me why, why should I not feel guilty for screwing up. I know it’s an emotion so logic really isn’t so helpful but still the voices that tell me I am guilty are strong; far stronger than my belief that I don’t have to feel guilty anymore.
The second thing here is that while you may forgive yourself for your wrongs. I really struggle to. The, ‘I should have known better’ rings in my head and it’s so loud it can drown out any kind reason or sense. So I remind myself that hindsight is a gift I have now but at the time I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. It may not have been very good or nice but it was my best. I was just learning and we all make mistakes so it is okay to learn from it but not hold on to it, it is done now.
So why is it that everyone else seems say just get over it. Just let it go!
I could really hate people for this lack of understanding.
I may not be the best coach for this kind of thing yet still while I might struggle with feeling guilty it is not helpful to just say there’s no need. It’s not going to cut it for me.
And when I’m talking about guilty I’m talking about the hard stuff that you don’t let go of or that feels like it’s got it’s hooks into you and won’t let you go. It’s the stuff that has become a problem. Do I hold on to everything I do wrong and feel guilty?
No I don’t, but I do hold on to some things to my own destruction and it’s these things I go to self help books for and often come away feeling underwhelmed.
I look at it this way, the aim of guilt is to learn from it then what have I got to learn?
In my case it felt like there was much to learn so I held onto it hoping to find the answer. But for me there was no answer, I had not done anything much. So I say to you if you feel guilty ask yourself did you really do something worth feeling guilty about. If it was a long time ago then also ask yourself why is it bugging you still?
For me the answer was resolution. I wanted some and it felt like there wasn’t any and some times there isn’t but it is a process and you have to come to terms with it for yourself.
It’s like grief you need to come to terms with it’s passing that you felt guilty and wrong and that now it is no more. It’s not easy and like grief I feel there is anger, pain, humiliation and hurt feelings and probably much more to deal with and until you have you will not feel okay about it. Look at your problem, in my case bullying, and try and see the situation from a different perspective. Try and understand what was happening, what other meant, what could also have been different from how you saw it. Think about what it could have been like for those around you.
It really helped me see what I was looking for. It wasn’t an answer but it is resolved and now the healing starts. I can put it behind me and the guilt can dissipate and it is for me.
For my mind you don’t just get over things, or just let go of things there are emotions to look at, to accept, and to leave behind, and though some people are far better at doing that than others they are still going through the same process. If you’re not used to doing it or never felt that you should then it can be really hard.
I would also say it’s not something you can do in one pass. It may take a long to come to terms with and several rehashes of what happened to see that there is now no need to feel so badly about it.
So don’t stop asking yourself if you have anything to learn, anything to forgive, any hurt or angry feelings towards anyone or yourself that you need to understand. Ask yourself, is it doing you any good? Is it changing you for the better? Helping you? Are you looking for forgiveness from yourself/others?
Be honest with yourself, and find out why because it may be that you are still in pain, that no one said it was okay, that you were forgiven. It maybe because you keep repeating it and don’t want to, if so ask yourself what is it that you feel when you do it that keeps you coming back to it again and again. Do you need something in your life that you don't have, even if it is just comfort, time to yourself, to be more you.
And don’t get disheartened change takes time and so does letting things go. It is not my experience that long standing feelings of guilt can be changed because you want them too. It takes time and continued effort.
I may not be the best coach for this kind of thing yet still while I might struggle with feeling guilty it is not helpful to just say there’s no need. It’s not going to cut it for me.
And when I’m talking about guilty I’m talking about the hard stuff that you don’t let go of or that feels like it’s got it’s hooks into you and won’t let you go. It’s the stuff that has become a problem. Do I hold on to everything I do wrong and feel guilty?
No I don’t, but I do hold on to some things to my own destruction and it’s these things I go to self help books for and often come away feeling underwhelmed.
I look at it this way, the aim of guilt is to learn from it then what have I got to learn?
In my case it felt like there was much to learn so I held onto it hoping to find the answer. But for me there was no answer, I had not done anything much. So I say to you if you feel guilty ask yourself did you really do something worth feeling guilty about. If it was a long time ago then also ask yourself why is it bugging you still?
For me the answer was resolution. I wanted some and it felt like there wasn’t any and some times there isn’t but it is a process and you have to come to terms with it for yourself.
It’s like grief you need to come to terms with it’s passing that you felt guilty and wrong and that now it is no more. It’s not easy and like grief I feel there is anger, pain, humiliation and hurt feelings and probably much more to deal with and until you have you will not feel okay about it. Look at your problem, in my case bullying, and try and see the situation from a different perspective. Try and understand what was happening, what other meant, what could also have been different from how you saw it. Think about what it could have been like for those around you.
It really helped me see what I was looking for. It wasn’t an answer but it is resolved and now the healing starts. I can put it behind me and the guilt can dissipate and it is for me.
For my mind you don’t just get over things, or just let go of things there are emotions to look at, to accept, and to leave behind, and though some people are far better at doing that than others they are still going through the same process. If you’re not used to doing it or never felt that you should then it can be really hard.
I would also say it’s not something you can do in one pass. It may take a long to come to terms with and several rehashes of what happened to see that there is now no need to feel so badly about it.
So don’t stop asking yourself if you have anything to learn, anything to forgive, any hurt or angry feelings towards anyone or yourself that you need to understand. Ask yourself, is it doing you any good? Is it changing you for the better? Helping you? Are you looking for forgiveness from yourself/others?
Be honest with yourself, and find out why because it may be that you are still in pain, that no one said it was okay, that you were forgiven. It maybe because you keep repeating it and don’t want to, if so ask yourself what is it that you feel when you do it that keeps you coming back to it again and again. Do you need something in your life that you don't have, even if it is just comfort, time to yourself, to be more you.
And don’t get disheartened change takes time and so does letting things go. It is not my experience that long standing feelings of guilt can be changed because you want them too. It takes time and continued effort.
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