You might not know it but that is a quote from star trek, and it was made by Spoks’ father and although the character was talking about Spok and his anger it could just as easily have been about feelings in general.
Many years ago I was warned against giving up work because it was felt that I would then have nothing in my life and they worried that I would slip further into my depression. I would feel less worth it somehow and less worthwhile. How wrong they were, but still not everyone reacts the same way to life. It took me a long while to make the decision to leave and I am so glad that I did.
Many years ago I was warned against giving up work because it was felt that I would then have nothing in my life and they worried that I would slip further into my depression. I would feel less worth it somehow and less worthwhile. How wrong they were, but still not everyone reacts the same way to life. It took me a long while to make the decision to leave and I am so glad that I did.
All my instincts had been telling me that I needed a break as it was making things worse and that I needed to spend time on myself. The GP, my employers, my parents, my friends all agreed that work was good for me but I still I left. It scared the hell out of me to put myself first but I don’t regret it. There are times when I feel so guilty for taking the time out and guilty for not having gone back yet as well but it was necessary.
In fact there are so many things these days that my instincts say are necessary but I am loathe to do. I feel it a shame, since I am often spot on with what helps me feel better. The guilt I feel for not being like others, for not being over things, or for how I feel is so strong that it has put me off seeking the answers and the doing the things I need to stay well. I may not be there yet but I am a lot closer than I was.
Well that depends on what’s going on in my life and what is going on inside of me. It isn’t a set list of tasks or activities, it’s not a mind set or a routine, what is necessary, is what gets me through each day and what helps me want to be here for the next one.
And much as this isn’t a helpful description for anyone trying to find answers it has been the first step for me in making my own decisions. I realised from this that no one person can tell you what you need. Everyone else is in the dark about you and what they want or feel is appropriate may not work for me or you. It is up to you to work out what you need, how much and make that happen for yourself.
I wish that people would leave me alone to work it out for myself but they don’t. Everyone wants to help. I have found the best way to learn is to experience it.
If you want to help, then help me find those examples of when my life was better. Show me with examples from my life how good I am, when I was happier. If you want me to feel that I am good at things then tell me when I am good, remind me of when I was happy. Let me relive the experience, remember it, savour it so that I can believe that things can be like that again. It seems simple right but I need quite a lot of examples to feel confident that things can be like that again or at least can be happier. But don’t forget no one can always be happy.
I guess the worlds’ preponderance for the ‘happy smiley’ drives me a bit nuts and it also drives my guilt because there are many things in my life that are sad and I feel it is wrong to be so. But to deny my pain and sadness is as bad for me as it is to always see the negative in life. We all need to find a way through it and although right now I want to take a lot of time with my pain and others don’t, I feel it shouldn’t stop me from doing what I need or you doing what you need.
I read a post about dealing with grief the other day and it suggested that to take 5 mins a day to go over what had happened and think about the person was a good thing to do. I nearly laughed..5 mins a day, such a short period of time there’s no way that would stop things getting on top of me. But what I did note was that giving yourself time to feel is important to stop things becoming overwhelming and although I would disagree with the amount of time given over to it, I can see the merit in doing it. For the last few months I have been trying to give myself at least 30 mins a day! And I feel a freak for taking so long but it feels like what I need to do. In short my grief is still affecting me and my motivation low but I am not overwhelmed and for me that is the important thing.
Unfortunately the world is hell bent on believing that grief is this long, anger is this long, dealing with the past should take this long, getting over mental health problems this long. These time limits should be guides at best and I don’t feel there should be negative consequences for being different or taking longer.
In fact there are so many things these days that my instincts say are necessary but I am loathe to do. I feel it a shame, since I am often spot on with what helps me feel better. The guilt I feel for not being like others, for not being over things, or for how I feel is so strong that it has put me off seeking the answers and the doing the things I need to stay well. I may not be there yet but I am a lot closer than I was.
So what is necessary?
Well that depends on what’s going on in my life and what is going on inside of me. It isn’t a set list of tasks or activities, it’s not a mind set or a routine, what is necessary, is what gets me through each day and what helps me want to be here for the next one.
And much as this isn’t a helpful description for anyone trying to find answers it has been the first step for me in making my own decisions. I realised from this that no one person can tell you what you need. Everyone else is in the dark about you and what they want or feel is appropriate may not work for me or you. It is up to you to work out what you need, how much and make that happen for yourself.
I wish that people would leave me alone to work it out for myself but they don’t. Everyone wants to help. I have found the best way to learn is to experience it.
People want me to have a more positive outlook but I need to see that there is one. When you have experienced a lot of pain and suffering to be positive isn’t something that you can just believe in.
If you want to help, then help me find those examples of when my life was better. Show me with examples from my life how good I am, when I was happier. If you want me to feel that I am good at things then tell me when I am good, remind me of when I was happy. Let me relive the experience, remember it, savour it so that I can believe that things can be like that again. It seems simple right but I need quite a lot of examples to feel confident that things can be like that again or at least can be happier. But don’t forget no one can always be happy.
I guess the worlds’ preponderance for the ‘happy smiley’ drives me a bit nuts and it also drives my guilt because there are many things in my life that are sad and I feel it is wrong to be so. But to deny my pain and sadness is as bad for me as it is to always see the negative in life. We all need to find a way through it and although right now I want to take a lot of time with my pain and others don’t, I feel it shouldn’t stop me from doing what I need or you doing what you need.
I read a post about dealing with grief the other day and it suggested that to take 5 mins a day to go over what had happened and think about the person was a good thing to do. I nearly laughed..5 mins a day, such a short period of time there’s no way that would stop things getting on top of me. But what I did note was that giving yourself time to feel is important to stop things becoming overwhelming and although I would disagree with the amount of time given over to it, I can see the merit in doing it. For the last few months I have been trying to give myself at least 30 mins a day! And I feel a freak for taking so long but it feels like what I need to do. In short my grief is still affecting me and my motivation low but I am not overwhelmed and for me that is the important thing.
Unfortunately the world is hell bent on believing that grief is this long, anger is this long, dealing with the past should take this long, getting over mental health problems this long. These time limits should be guides at best and I don’t feel there should be negative consequences for being different or taking longer.
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