Once upon a time I worked for a living and quite frankly it didn’t work so well for me. Having gotten too ill to work I took a major (as I saw it) leap of faith in giving up work rather than going part time to sort this once and for all. I had limped along for far too many years without really living or doing much at all, besides work, and I felt it was time to say this working, as well as getting treatment, wasn’t working for me. I am convinced that many people just saw this as me giving up, giving into the illness and that I would never go back to work or had any intentions of doing so. To be fair even now I wonder if they are not right but I still believe in working towards my goals and work is still in there.
No one knows your mind like you do and it is hard to know if your motivations are good or not but my aims were to move away from a spiraling set of behaviours that had repeatedly resulted in me becoming very unwell. Since work was the only constant in my life throughout all my illness it had to go. Sod the Governments beliefs that it was good for me, and my doctors for that matter, because I found that it was a major contributing factor in my unhappiness at that time.
It may be difficult to believe this but the profound relief I felt from putting my happiness first was blissful. I could really think about what I wanted, what I needed, instead of worrying about whether I was good enough to be at work or had done enough. I must have come across as the most stubborn, negative person my employer had ever met and the doctors weren’t too happy either but it really didn’t take long for them to wake up to what I was trying to achieve.
My doctor in particular saw things change after I left work that hadn’t for a very long time and engagement with the NHS services really got things moving.
For a long time I have felt time is running out, and this push to be somewhere I’m not has ended up with me chasing my tail instead of concentrating on what I need. My life has always been full of getting things done and in my haste to get there I didn’t look after what I needed. You may think this weird but taking breaks at work, getting enough rest, eating well, taking exercise, having some fun, doing something I wanted, having a hobby, these were things that I didn’t have time for. I worried so much about whether I had done thing right that I never even thought about them. I had so much to do, people would always be asking for more, and more and probably even more after that. I just never felt I had enough time for anything. Well I found out the hard way that I need to do things for me or I won’t be able to do anything for anyone else.
I still feel I am wasting time and realistically the world is still pushing me to do more, be more, and I hate it. It is far too easy for me to get caught up in what other people want or what the government or DWP say I should be able to do without evaluating if it is reasonable. I have no idea why I do it but it is the bane of my life because if I do not meet my own needs then I am never going to have sustainable happiness let alone be able to hold down a job.
I have volunteered for charities and it is a problem that I don’t let go. I find it difficult to take breaks, to forget about what I haven’t done and if people ask about things that are impossible I still find it difficult to explain how impossible a task they have set me.
I try to set clear goals and to be assertive and ask how long they expect it to take. I try to explain why I don’t think there estimates are valid and to an extent it works. I try to not take on tasks from people on the spur of the moment to be nice but try to say I am busy and ask when they need it by. I try to recognise when I am tired and go for a break or get a drink.
I try to remember that my time outside is mine and that I can do whatever I want but I am still plagued by people saying clean your house, cook properly, take exercise etc. I try to set reasonable goals and stick to them and not as I have been known to pull the cleaning forward because I can’t think of anything else I want to do. I try at these moments to sit and work out what I would like to do. I have spent a lot of time in contemplation because of it and since it has been pretty much absent from the rest of my life I try and see it as catching up.
Over all, yes. There are still days and weeks even when life is so hard and I have no motivation, or life just hurts, but I don’t have the complete collapses’ I used to. I still worry that I am not doing enough, not working hard enough at getting back to work but as I catch myself doing it I realise this…
That usually at these times, I am tired, overwrought, miserable, worried and scared and that it feels wrong to look after myself, to give myself what I need and so I push at myself to achieve even though it is not reasonable. I push myself to achieve goals that others have set in their ignorance instead of working out for myself if they are reasonable.
I struggle every time I have to explain to believe that people will listen and be reasonable and honestly I am not sure how people expect me to feel anything else when the benefits system is as it is. But it isn’t just the benefits system and I would wish that when people talk with each other that they give a little thought to how scared people are that it doesn’t matter if something is reasonable anymore.
And please work out what is important to you, what you need and fight for it because in the long run it will be better for you, even if you fight and loose. Just be prepared to listen too because I really feel most people really do want to hear and understand even if they cannot help.
I like the rest of the world can only go at the speed we are able to and worrying about if it is fast enough is counter-productive and will slow us down. It eats away at my motivation, resilience, and can often result in a sense of hopelessness and misery that leads only in one direction- DOWN-
So when you worry about not getting anywhere consider this, how much effort did it take to do? How much did you push yourself? Because the big paying job may never be you or it might be so easy what was the point. Find what is important to you, what you feel is difficult and then go do it and feel good because you pushed yourself and overcame it. Because it doesn’t really matter what it was you worked hard at it.
No one knows your mind like you do and it is hard to know if your motivations are good or not but my aims were to move away from a spiraling set of behaviours that had repeatedly resulted in me becoming very unwell. Since work was the only constant in my life throughout all my illness it had to go. Sod the Governments beliefs that it was good for me, and my doctors for that matter, because I found that it was a major contributing factor in my unhappiness at that time.
It may be difficult to believe this but the profound relief I felt from putting my happiness first was blissful. I could really think about what I wanted, what I needed, instead of worrying about whether I was good enough to be at work or had done enough. I must have come across as the most stubborn, negative person my employer had ever met and the doctors weren’t too happy either but it really didn’t take long for them to wake up to what I was trying to achieve.
Long term sustainable happiness.
My doctor in particular saw things change after I left work that hadn’t for a very long time and engagement with the NHS services really got things moving.
For a long time I have felt time is running out, and this push to be somewhere I’m not has ended up with me chasing my tail instead of concentrating on what I need. My life has always been full of getting things done and in my haste to get there I didn’t look after what I needed. You may think this weird but taking breaks at work, getting enough rest, eating well, taking exercise, having some fun, doing something I wanted, having a hobby, these were things that I didn’t have time for. I worried so much about whether I had done thing right that I never even thought about them. I had so much to do, people would always be asking for more, and more and probably even more after that. I just never felt I had enough time for anything. Well I found out the hard way that I need to do things for me or I won’t be able to do anything for anyone else.
I guess many would say I was a people pleaser but I didn’t really gain any pleasure from seeing tasks done because there would always be more.
I still feel I am wasting time and realistically the world is still pushing me to do more, be more, and I hate it. It is far too easy for me to get caught up in what other people want or what the government or DWP say I should be able to do without evaluating if it is reasonable. I have no idea why I do it but it is the bane of my life because if I do not meet my own needs then I am never going to have sustainable happiness let alone be able to hold down a job.
I have volunteered for charities and it is a problem that I don’t let go. I find it difficult to take breaks, to forget about what I haven’t done and if people ask about things that are impossible I still find it difficult to explain how impossible a task they have set me.
I try to set clear goals and to be assertive and ask how long they expect it to take. I try to explain why I don’t think there estimates are valid and to an extent it works. I try to not take on tasks from people on the spur of the moment to be nice but try to say I am busy and ask when they need it by. I try to recognise when I am tired and go for a break or get a drink.
I try to remember that my time outside is mine and that I can do whatever I want but I am still plagued by people saying clean your house, cook properly, take exercise etc. I try to set reasonable goals and stick to them and not as I have been known to pull the cleaning forward because I can’t think of anything else I want to do. I try at these moments to sit and work out what I would like to do. I have spent a lot of time in contemplation because of it and since it has been pretty much absent from the rest of my life I try and see it as catching up.
Am I happier?
Over all, yes. There are still days and weeks even when life is so hard and I have no motivation, or life just hurts, but I don’t have the complete collapses’ I used to. I still worry that I am not doing enough, not working hard enough at getting back to work but as I catch myself doing it I realise this…
That usually at these times, I am tired, overwrought, miserable, worried and scared and that it feels wrong to look after myself, to give myself what I need and so I push at myself to achieve even though it is not reasonable. I push myself to achieve goals that others have set in their ignorance instead of working out for myself if they are reasonable.
I find it difficult to speak up because I believe that people will not listen to my reasons, will not allow them to be true or reasonable and will just have a go at me, or sanction me anyway.
I struggle every time I have to explain to believe that people will listen and be reasonable and honestly I am not sure how people expect me to feel anything else when the benefits system is as it is. But it isn’t just the benefits system and I would wish that when people talk with each other that they give a little thought to how scared people are that it doesn’t matter if something is reasonable anymore.
And please work out what is important to you, what you need and fight for it because in the long run it will be better for you, even if you fight and loose. Just be prepared to listen too because I really feel most people really do want to hear and understand even if they cannot help.
I like the rest of the world can only go at the speed we are able to and worrying about if it is fast enough is counter-productive and will slow us down. It eats away at my motivation, resilience, and can often result in a sense of hopelessness and misery that leads only in one direction- DOWN-
So when you worry about not getting anywhere consider this, how much effort did it take to do? How much did you push yourself? Because the big paying job may never be you or it might be so easy what was the point. Find what is important to you, what you feel is difficult and then go do it and feel good because you pushed yourself and overcame it. Because it doesn’t really matter what it was you worked hard at it.
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