Baby Steps

So it’s the beginning of a new year and after all the changes at the end of last year I am now looking to set myself some new goals. A selection of new tasks to get my teeth stuck into and it reminds me of years gone by when I was setting goals people would start talking about baby steps. ‘You can’t rush things, you need to take a few baby steps first.’

Can’t rush things, cor’ blimey gov’nor you might want to consider that pretty much everyone in England would love to see me start work like yesterday so that, what they consider are, my lay about ways of illness are at an end and they don’t have to support me anymore. So if you want me to have more realistic goals you might want to consider that it’s not that easy to do when the pressure is on to beat the DWP to removing my benefit before I am fit to work.

But quite apart from this I find I was somewhat insulted by the insinuation that I was either a baby or that I was going to have to take a secession of really small goals to achieve the big ones I was after. Because in all honesty every single step I took was a huge, gigantic leap across an abyss I felt at any second was going to draw breathe and suck me into it.

 Baby steps, they don’t exist, even for babies.

Every time a baby takes a step it’s a huge leap into the unknown that they don’t know they need to be scared of yet which is why they are so tenacious in their desires to walk, or run. And they can get put off trying as much as anyone else if they meet a painful obstacle once too often.

In the same way I have had people complain bitterly that people who are depressed just don’t try… and I am reminded of my own experiences of medical professionals trying to set goals for me. I hated it. In fact I would often just refuse.

These days I find setting goals a great help in achieving things but when someone else is setting the goals for me rather than discussing what needs to be done with me and then me suggesting the choices; well I have a big tendency to tell the person where to get off. It’s my life let me make the decisions. I really don’t think it was appreciated but to be honest I really don’t care now. I was at least polite. To be in control to feel that your life is going in the direction that you want is an important part of feeling content of being happy and one I will protect and something I would expect everyone to do too.

But it does beg the question of why I would refuse help because these professionals really did want to help.The goals they were setting they felt were fair and something I needed to do.

Simply, I felt what they were asking was either impossible and or not something I wanted to do. I wasn’t going to waste what little energy I had on doing something I wasn’t interested in or didn’t feel was important to my wellbeing.
Unfortunately it is not always easy to be motivated to do the things that are good for your well being and I disagreed with my help on many occasions. I also agreed to do what they asked, even when I didn’t agree with them, far too often for my liking too, because I feared that if I didn’t agree with them that the help would be withdrawn.

So I say to people who feel people are lazy because they don’t agree to do what they are asked please ask them why they don’t want to. If someone is starving themselves to death you don’t have a choice but to force them but really there are plenty of occasions where nothing is set so if you really want to help ask them why not? You could just have over faced them. I know when I feel something is impossible I just won’t agree to do it. I’ll say no. You might not think it is a big step but you are not them and as I have seen in my own life when I set a goal that I feel is appropriate I tend to do it and I push myself to my absolute limit because I am so desperate to be better.

 In fact I have set some really horrifically challenging goals that people have just shrugged their shoulders at. I know they have felt it was a small challenge because I’ve asked them but they have no idea what makes me tick. They have only seen me achieve things but believe me there are so many things that I have failed to achieve and when I do I ask myself why.

Why don't I  manage to achieve goals?
 Well often it is because I have set myself a huge whopper of a goal, but there are times when it was about what else was going on at that time. But to learn how to set good goals for myself I have had to learn by experience what they are. We all do, it’s just sometimes it can take a lot longer than you think, particularly when someone is telling you to set a particular goal and you disagree. In fact it can feel like they are suggesting an achievable goal when in fact it might be that really impossible goal you were trying to avoid setting. I know I spent a long time agreeing just because people were sure I could do it even though I wasn’t. It’s taken a long while to look at things and work out I do know best.

If I really don’t want to do something it’s usually a good sign that it’s not a good goal. That doesn’t mean I abandon it but that I just look into the goal and what it is that’s a problem for me.
Do I value a clean house, do I want the job/ volunteer role, is it how much I am going to do this, how often or whether I would be letting someone down if I don’t, do I feel I shouldn't do this -that it's wrong or people will laugh at  me. There are many things that might put me off or strike that fear in my belly like I’m frozen and it is important for me to understand why because through this I can work out what might be a better goal.

 And yes there are times when I feel what I am trying is so small that it’s nothing to everyone else. They don’t even notice it but to me they’re huge and that’s the achievement. I overcame something so big…

Of course the other reason I tend to refuse things is because I am so damn tired of pushing myself to my absolute limit all the time that I just want a break. I want some down time from being so rung out all the time because unlike many people I meet I don’t really do much relaxing, much me time, much fun for the hell of it. So if you don’t want to set any goals ask yourself or them why because to take time to look after yourself is a worthy reason to not set a goal as is changing it to something that is reasonable.

But baby steps…my goals have never been that, they have been huge, gigantic, terrifying, leaps of faith and people have never really let me have a break or even celebrate that I have achieved them because once I have achieved one there’s always been someone else coming along and asking me to set another one.

 And everyone needs a break every now and again to keep them motivated, refreshed, happy, well!