Much as none of us really want to think about what happens at the very end, it does in fact come to us all and it is never what any of us expect. That there are times when it appears many more people are dying than others is again part of life. Not a very nice one or one that we want, but it is what it is, a part of living.
And I have to say that although these last few months has been particularly bad for me I am finding it difficult to choose to attend funerals and that they born out of my own need to grieve. I am the funeral type, the howler who needs to cry, to miss the people and express how much I miss them. I am not the celebrate the life of the person type of person and recently the increasing number of families choosing to invite me to the celebration of the persons life has really put a crimp on my acceptance of my feelings of loss, and to grieve in a manner that I find respectful.
It is not their fault that I am not about to celebrate someone’s life only days after I have found out I will never see them again, nor do I blame them for making the choices they have in order to deal with their own feelings; however there is a part of me that wonders if all this celebrating is really just a big avoidance of how they are feeling.
Have they? well there is a part of me that says loud and clear. They are dead, they are not coming back and I miss them, I miss their laugh, their crying, their being there to talk to or to just be with and much as I don’t want to lapse into rounds of misery, when people start talking about celebrating the life of someone, I just don’t want to be a part of their day.
And I guess I just hope that if I don’t come to the celebration that they understand I need to cry, I need to say good bye and get used to them not being there before I can remember the good times, remember all the things they did or the jokes they made. I don’t want to wear brightly coloured clothes or laugh and joke about what they did or didn’t do. I want to deal with the part of me that misses their company, misses all the times that they are not going to be their now and in reality I feel so many other people feel the same.
I feel society is pushing everyone to a point where death shouldn’t hurt that much if it’s understandable due to age, or infirmity such as an expected death through illness.
Honestly, I can’t, it’s far too quick, give me 6 months and I’d be right there with you but 2 weeks after they died. I feel many people are doing it because they feel that they should or because they don’t know what else to do but me I know what I need.
I need space, space to get to grips with it. Space to cry and think about the loss. Not to mope but to appreciate the change that has now happened. I want to spend time thinking about them and what they meant to me, the times when I will miss them and yes to cry, to cry because they are not there anymore. And once I have done this to say good bye and to acknowledge that they are not here anymore nor will they be again. Only after that will I move on and start to think about living and it may take a few weeks or months depending on who it is but I still need the time. I just wish that I did not feel so pushed by people to put things behind me and to be happy again.
And I wish that neither did anyone else but sadly it seems many people put such a burden on themselves to be happy again that they miss that it takes time. They seem to push on with getting things done without thinking about whether they are really feeling up to it. Not everything needs to be done so quickly and I wish I could feel that people are giving themselves enough time to grieve but I don’t.
So if you have lost someone, take the time you need. There is no rush to be over things.
And I have to say that although these last few months has been particularly bad for me I am finding it difficult to choose to attend funerals and that they born out of my own need to grieve. I am the funeral type, the howler who needs to cry, to miss the people and express how much I miss them. I am not the celebrate the life of the person type of person and recently the increasing number of families choosing to invite me to the celebration of the persons life has really put a crimp on my acceptance of my feelings of loss, and to grieve in a manner that I find respectful.
It is not their fault that I am not about to celebrate someone’s life only days after I have found out I will never see them again, nor do I blame them for making the choices they have in order to deal with their own feelings; however there is a part of me that wonders if all this celebrating is really just a big avoidance of how they are feeling.
Why has it become almost impossible to cry at the death of a loved one or friend if they are over the age of 30. I mean in reality I find people expect crying at the funeral of a child but an adult?
Well they’ve had a good life, done all that they wanted?
Have they? well there is a part of me that says loud and clear. They are dead, they are not coming back and I miss them, I miss their laugh, their crying, their being there to talk to or to just be with and much as I don’t want to lapse into rounds of misery, when people start talking about celebrating the life of someone, I just don’t want to be a part of their day.
And I guess I just hope that if I don’t come to the celebration that they understand I need to cry, I need to say good bye and get used to them not being there before I can remember the good times, remember all the things they did or the jokes they made. I don’t want to wear brightly coloured clothes or laugh and joke about what they did or didn’t do. I want to deal with the part of me that misses their company, misses all the times that they are not going to be their now and in reality I feel so many other people feel the same.
I feel society is pushing everyone to a point where death shouldn’t hurt that much if it’s understandable due to age, or infirmity such as an expected death through illness.
But quite frankly I find it ridiculous. We should mourn the loss. And if you are someone who needs the ritual of a funeral to start to grieve then it can be quite a problem, when it feels all the while people are saying we should be over this now and onto feeling good about what the person did with their life….
Honestly, I can’t, it’s far too quick, give me 6 months and I’d be right there with you but 2 weeks after they died. I feel many people are doing it because they feel that they should or because they don’t know what else to do but me I know what I need.
I need space, space to get to grips with it. Space to cry and think about the loss. Not to mope but to appreciate the change that has now happened. I want to spend time thinking about them and what they meant to me, the times when I will miss them and yes to cry, to cry because they are not there anymore. And once I have done this to say good bye and to acknowledge that they are not here anymore nor will they be again. Only after that will I move on and start to think about living and it may take a few weeks or months depending on who it is but I still need the time. I just wish that I did not feel so pushed by people to put things behind me and to be happy again.
And I wish that neither did anyone else but sadly it seems many people put such a burden on themselves to be happy again that they miss that it takes time. They seem to push on with getting things done without thinking about whether they are really feeling up to it. Not everything needs to be done so quickly and I wish I could feel that people are giving themselves enough time to grieve but I don’t.
So if you have lost someone, take the time you need. There is no rush to be over things.
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