Am I getting well?

I guess this is a question many people ask themselves or maybe, when will I be well?

It’s certainly one that I have asked myself a lot especially when it feels like the entire world is asking it every second that I breathe. You go out with friends or see your care coordinator or your GP. It seems everyone wants to know when you are well and that question feels like a mill stone around my neck. As far as I can see, no one expects that I will ever be well. Oh they expect that I will be able to work, that I will be able to volunteer, to help people, to speak out against stigma and be a part of this world but no one really seems to think or feel that I will be well.
Now I’d be the first to point out that given it’s mental health, how would you even know since there isn’t any clear definition of what WELL is…so for me throw that one away it’s not a question that is at all helpful but is very definitely soul destroying, it eats away at me and can turn me into a complete mess.

For me I ask myself things like
What would help me feel confident of doing this…?
Or what would I need to do to feel capable of doing this…?

OH yes they feel like complete cop outs but they are I feel focusing on what matters. They are focussing on what and when I will be able to do something.

If you look at physical health people ask about being well but always talk about when can I do this, when will I be able to do this. They talk about not going to fast in case of causing damage or re-infection but when it comes to mental health these conversations just seem to miss the essential positive part that you as the patient will become more able and be able to lots of things that you haven’t. I am not even sure why it feels so negative but still I have sat through reviews that feel more like a catalogue of what I can’t and never will be able to do.

Well thanks for that, but I would rather look at what has changed and what I am doing now that I wasn’t. I would also want to look at that but how I am feeling better about myself, more confident, less scared, more able to cope, because for me these are the important aspects of getting well.
Ever wondered why people have an attitude about the work question? well maybe that 's because hat's what's running through there heads goes something like this
You want me to work well quite frankly that’s a hell of an ask and a huge goal right now, I can barely get the cleaning done, or feed myself properly…etc 

People want me to have reasonable goals and yet everyone asks about just the one. When will you go back to work? 

You might I feel, think like I do that some people are not asked because it is ‘self evident’ that they will not be doing that… Yeah except that every time you fill in a form for benefit you are being judged against that so at least once if not three times year you are asked to assess this.

So apart from unhelpful questioning the fact is that when you start looking at whether you are getting well it is not so simple and I for one feel that reviews often miss all the positive changes that have been made in people lives. They also I feel miss the enormous amount of effort people put into achieving the small changes in their lives and their outlooks.

I don’t know about everyone else but I work every second of every day to keep myself in a happy and positive frame of mind. I get no time off as my mind runs all day, every day and night too, and yet all people seem to feel is important is whether I can control it for the small amount of time I would need it for work.

Everyone has an opinion about what will help and yet seem to miss that I have done such a good job in getting myself into this frame of mind even if it isn’t great or long lasting. The sad fact is that so many people want to encourage me and yet they don't seem to manage it.

So I say if you want to encourage me, tell me I’m doing well, tell me I’m doing more, tell me I seem happier. Tell me something that is better, something that is nice to see, and then if you must tell me something that you feel will help but please keep in mind.

I get no holiday from what is going on in my head. I am working every single second I am writing this and talking to you and to be honest I would much rather not have to think about that fact as well. It’ s depressing and really I think if you thought so much about how much time your work took from you and what you needed to do, you’d be depressed too and you work far fewer hours than I do! Not only that I didn't apply for this job, I don't want it and I can't get rid of it. It has lousy hours, no pay, and no real perks plus everyone wants me to get a second job, like now or even earlier!