The Christmas Party Small Talk

I feel like so many that Christmas is a really hard time of year: the parties, the present buying, the card giving, the meeting with family but mostly that constant reminder of what may not have been achieved.

Throughout the season people are constantly asking, how you are and what you’ve been up to. You see people that you haven’t in a long time and have that need to talk, to say what you have achieved and if you’re anything like me you mind goes completely blank particularly if you’ve got friends who have gotten married, had kids, moved into four bedroom homes, got really great jobs or pay rises and been on fantastic holiday I would love to go on but can’t afford. It can feel like one long reminder of what you haven’t achieved or done or are likely to do soon.

Quite misery making really! And the sad fact is that although my friends do care how I feel they cannot change what they have done nor should they. So really this is about how to feel like I or you have achieved something when so much of the focus is what has been done.

Wondering what I’m talking about?

Well really there are times when I fall into the habit of comparing what I have done with them and saying to myself I can’t compete, you win that is fantastic. There is no denying that a £10,000 pay rise is good or the new home isn’t wonderful and the birth of a child that is so loved fantastic however there are so many things that we all achieve but for want of politeness and form don’t talk about but that doesn't mean you can't remind your self of them.

• For instance it is difficult to explain what an achievement it is to feel more relaxed in company and to go to more social gatherings.
• It is difficult to explain what it is to not want to kill yourself or to consider coming off medication.

There is such a wide gap between what it feels okay to say is an achievement or something good in your life when people don’t generally talk about overcoming life limiting feelings. 

To grieve is normal to be constantly scared or miserable is not and so to feel more comfortable is not considered a big deal or an achievement and yet an achievement is not about what something is but about how hard it was for you personally to do it.

And the reality is that when you do not know someone well it is not considered good form to talk about intimate feelings openly...

So how do you feel you have achieved something and what can you talk about?

For me this is a mammoth task but this year more than ever I have tried to remember what I have felt most satisfied with, because these are often the things that, although may be something and nothing in other peoples eyes, are memorable for me and have the greatest impact. I have tried to focus on the whole year and not just what happened this week or today as this can often lead me to the wrong conclusions about what I have achieved and I have tried to keep them in mind or at least remind myself afterwards of what they are. The sad fact is that although there are many things I have achieved they are not always something I can talk about with strangers at a party. And really just because I didn’t have anything to say does not change what I have achieved.

That said I am sure that most people really struggle, myself included, to find those things when surrounded by people who are doing what society thinks is an achievement. And yes I really dread the ‘so when are getting a job question’ as well as the ‘so what have you been up to’ because in so many ways my life feels small and insignificant and not worth their attention. The thing for me is to not lambaste myself for not saying anything.

And I try to remember that they asked me, and pay attention for if their attention is drifting and try and work out if they really wanted to know based on whether they are listening. That not everyone is interested is fine by me I just don’t want to feel that I’m boring them and if they want to change the subject then that’s fine to because really I don’t really know most of the people at Christmas parties or family for that matter all that well.

So what have I achieved this year...

Not as much as I would like but here a some things anyway

• I have prioritised my happiness and have taken to giving myself time to enjoy being alive on a more regular basis.
• I am still medication free and still not manic or depressed and have consulted the NHS in a constructive way over what next to do regarding treatment.
• I have stood up for myself at volunteering and had managers affect some changes to benefit me
• I have gone into therapy again after deciding there were still things that I needed to deal with.
• I have attended a lot more social gatherings
• I have had a birthday party and enjoyed it.
• I have gone to more places on my own.

So not ground breaking wonderful achievements by the worlds standards but then I was not putting down the worlds achievements.