You shouldn't feel ashamed?!

I read a blog recently from a woman who has bipolar disorder who from occasionally can have big problems that result in hospitalization and unlike many that I have read who talk about how they are not ashamed, or feel badly this woman was expressing just those very feelings and the fact this was an unusual occurrence for her. She expressed that she was normally quite open, honest and communicative about her difficulties and that now at a time when she was recovering from a short but acute phase she was ashamed. For the most part I got the impression that much like many other people she is usually accepting of her difficulties and this was making this post expressing her feelings of shame particularly difficult and something she was really struggling with.

It was odd that I identified with her difficulties and that although it may seem confusing to be faced with these emotions when she normally did not feel them I could not but think it quite normal to feel some shame. This is not to say that she should feel ashamed more that I can see how circumstances might lead to her to feeling that way.

This may seem stigmatising but let me explain. I felt it likely that she may be feeling an acute disappointment in her inability to stay in a better emotional state but not only that I felt a mixture of other emotions could also be leading to this shame. To have coped and then not would cause disappointment, but also frustration and possibly fear as when such huge emotional currents are coursing through you it can feel like the distress and upset is a wave. This wave will drag you under and out to sea and pull you in all directions and not feel like there is any escape. You may have no idea where the surface is or how to reach it and every time you feel you are getting close it is pulled away. A fear can build that you will never be released to breath and a rising panic that this may end it all, whether it is likely or not. At this point you may well make decisions to safeguard yourself and if a quick recovery is achieved they may later feel like an overreaction as the wave releases you and you surface without any ill effects.

And for me if you couple the distress, the hopelessness, the fear and disappointment that led you to make such drastic decisions and then be released into what feels like normality so quickly then you may also feel humiliated which for me can lead to feelings of shame.

So to feel this shame seems quite a normal reaction to me and not one that you should hide for it is not about stigma it is about how difficult all of these emotions are to live with when you feel so acutely. I only feel that it is stigma that made it so difficult for her to admit to feeling ashamed to those who care about her. Everyone feels shame about things they do or have said, or failed to achieve from time to time it is just when it is coupled with mental health that it feels a bigger problem. 

Are we not allowed to feel ashamed from time to time because the good fight worked out not so well for a time? Would we expect that others would not feel shame for things that haven’t gone not so well in their lives, the way they handled this or that situation?

Well I certainly wouldn’t it is quite normal to feel some shame from time to time. If this was an enduring shame about needing treatment for how the person was feeling then no I would not feel it was okay but in this instance it appears not to be the case. My worry is that with so many people lambasting about stigma inducing a shame of needing help so much that normal feelings of shame are being repressed.

Stigma is certainly a problem but in this incidence it seems more about a normal reaction to everyday life occurrences and yes this one was about a serious issue to do with her mental health but it was also a very emotional time where decisions would have consequences and about consequences that didn’t come to pass and many other compounding factors in her life. 

In many ways when I listen to people speaking about how they are not ashamed I begin to worry, and my worry is that we as a group are beginning to feel that we shouldn’t feel any shame and this for some may cause problems. So many of the ardent anti-stigma campaigners are saying,

‘You should not feel ashamed of needing help/ being depressed etc’

So when we do feel shame because of something relating to our mental health issues we struggle because we have been told we do not need to feel it. Well I for do feel shame from time to time about how my recovery is going or not going, about my inability to achieve the things I want and many other things to with normal everyday life and I struggle with it, but it is normal to occasionally feel shame and it passes. But in expressing it people often jump to the conclusion that it is because of stigma and not for the any other reason and I worry that this is going to cause some problems.